Carlo's C.R.A.P. (Cinematic Rarities And Peculiarities) 2019
So usually as the year ends we compile these “best of” lists and I struggle to come up with new movies I’d actively recommend to saner people (unless you wanna hear me admit I liked Critters Attack). Being someone who gravitates towards exploitation movies done on the cheap is definitely a part of it, but another part is the fact I live in a country that–barring a couple of arthouse festivals–isn’t too interested in alternative cinema. Also why should I focus on movies that may or may not stand the test of time when it’s so much more exciting to unearth a forgotten piece of shit where Paul Walker’s brain gets put inside a barely functional, animatronic T-Rex? So yes, here I am, back on my bullshit, abusing our once-a-year privilege to make a listicle, sharing with you my top 19 movie discoveries that I made in the year of our lawd 2019.
High camp manga come to life about teachers daydreaming about that adult baby life and going full Dirty Harry/Mad Max/Jesus on a neo-nazi bosozoku rock band. Kazuhiko Yamaguchi has a big track record for high-concept crowd-pleasers, but this is one of those late career go-for-broke, ‘throw everything at the wall and then blow it up’ kamikaze missions that has to be seen to be believed. There was no way this wasn't going to be based on an actual manga, and it is, but that doesn't automatically mean it translates to something as nutty as this.
Things I worried about during this movie: If we ever have to prove whether mankind warrants existence I really hope whoever makes that call doesn’t find the adult baby tapes.
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Haunting Fear opens with a quote from Edgar Allan Poe and, despite being a Fred Olen Ray movie, doesn't directly follow it up with a stupid joke. Just the idea of Fred Olen Ray doing Poe is like someone trying to weaponize boredom, but I've made it through all of the Vice Academy movies so it's gonna take far more to put this dumb ass to sleep. Has a couple of legit disturbing moments peppered throughout his usual "money's too tight for steak" buffoonery. Jan-Michael Vincent is barely in it, Karen Black looks annoyed, Brinke Stevens is a star.
Movies I have fallen asleep to: 2001 A Space Odyssey, Close Encounters of the Third Kind, Vertigo.
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I'll tell you what the real aberration is: this movie!!
I'd never heard anyone even mention this until Letterboxd Legend™ Austin Wolf-Sothern put it on my radar. Essentially a little monster movie about mutant reptiles that feels like it could've been produced by Roger Corman, except operating on an overall level of film-making that's a serious notch above what old Rog’ was producing in 1997. It's a patient movie that, once it gets going, just keeps going and going until it goes into overdrive with scenes that feel inspired by El Mariachi and Army of Darkness somehow?
Here are some words that rhyme with aberration: Laceration… Radiation… Gas station… Masterb… edroom? Fuck.
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Cookie cutter dough based on a stolen recipe. Zero nutritional value, but the action is competent and Sibelle Hu wore her finest jammies. Not close to the cross-cultural hooey it looks like on the surface either, but definitely has some Godfrey Ho-type moments, most notably in the music which turns it into a game of "guess the score.” There's definitely more but I managed to pinpoint: Predator, Running Man, American Ninja 2, and a lot of instances of HellRaiser. The few people who have seen this want you to believe this is garbage, but I've seen garbage and this is at worst the kind of garbage that's mostly shredded paper and a broken stapler.
Things I learned from this movie: If you can't handle the China Heat stay out of the China Kitchen?
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Fred Olen Ray's classic mafia epic Mob Boss apparently got a theatrical release in South Korea and my friend who will remain nameless on this internet movie website joked that this is what created North Korea which I'm sure is inaccurate, and probably a little racist so I'm glad I didn't make that joke even though at the same time I'm like "Yeah, maybe." Fred Olen Ray (or FOR) is known for making shit up on the spot and if you've seen a couple of his movies you know he doesn't expect you to be giving it your undivided attention, especially not when it's about 20 minutes too long. But there are some solid japes where he uses Eddie Deezen as a human punchline/soundboard so I guess expectations met.
Things I realized watching this movie: I think I hate Eddie Deezen… No wait, I find him informative and witty. Good night!
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Imagine me watching this movie not knowing that "stick-fighting" is an actual thing. Like, why would I? People who are trained in stick-based combat? I can walk outside my house and pick up a stick and wave it around and call it stick-fighting. Anyway, I dare you to not crack a single stick-based pun while watching this movie. It can't be done. Actually this guy does a lot more than fight using sticks, like doing roundhouse kicks in his denim pants, or trapping a guy's face in his crotch and using it to sled down a stairway. There's also a lot of pan flute in this movie, a lot of terrible music in general. Like Parole Violators, they just decided every scene needed music to heighten the mood, and they were right to do it.
Things I learned from this movie: If you think about it, a movie is just a stick that can be enjoyed in the comfort of your home with the company of others.
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I don't know what's more death defying, the stunts in this movie or taking a shot every time you hear a whoosh sound. Just kidding it's 100% option two. Absolutely nutso GI Joe cartoon with action scenes that'll blow your mind and can only come from people who fundamentally understand what makes them work.
Things I learned from this movie: We must move forward, not backward; upward, not forward; and always whooshing, whooshing, whooshing towards freedom!
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Ringo Lam, or "Grimey" as he liked to be called, tests the international waters years before his JCVD vehicles with this… anti-buddy cop... manhunt thriller? Yeah, something like that. Starring not just Vernon Wells and Olivia Hussey, but anchors the movie in a rivalry between Danny Lee and... Peter Liapis aka the guy from two out of four Ghoulies movies?!
As violent and unglamorous as you'd come to expect from Grimey, what with people being reduced to red dust clouds with every merciless gun shot. A little surprised not more people have seen this but I guess it's never been very widely available despite the international cast. Heck, you even get Danny Lee talking English and Tommy Wong going "President George BULLSHIT" so that's gotta count for some overseas cred.
Things I realized watching this movie: Like a healthy bowel movement, I probably think about the Ghoulies movies at least once a day.
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Absolutely one of the most misguided, embarrassing turds I've ever had the pleasure of experiencing. At the same time a very Carlo-pick, but total kryptonite to my partner with how disgustingly condensed and stereotypically 80's it is. If you're wondering if, between all the dance montages, there's a "sex" scene where Tawny Kitaen and Crystalfer the Bubble Boy get nekked and smush their genitals against the glass wall for an obscene amount of time you can rest assured because the answer is yes.
Things my partner learned from this movie: Don’t give me carte blanche when picking a movie.
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Shannon Tweed stars as Cynthia Rothrock (was she not available?), hosting a Miss Galaxy contest in a building that gets taken by Andrew Dice Clay who, for the first 20 minutes, is disguised as Geraldo in what might just be my favorite cheapo Die Hard knockoff.
I'm not kidding in the least when I say this has far more going for it than the average pretender. Sure it's a formulaic B-movie, but at least it's not a lazy, boring movie. Paul Lynch knows how to keep things interesting visually–it's edited with a lot of momentum, it's violent, and it's got fuckin' jokes. There's a moment in No Contest when one of Dice's hired goons is seen reading a book titled “Your Career in Embalming,” which is such a weird, specific little touch. Also just look at that fucking cast: Piper. Tweed. Davi. Dice. Holy heck if that doesn't get you excited to watch a movie we're clearly operating on different wavelengths.
One other (legit) thing I should mention that No Contest does well is an aspect a lot of these Die Hard knockoffs seem to gloss over, which is making the struggle of being overpowered feel real. It takes a little while for Tweed to get up and kick some boot (that's Canadian for butt, I think, idk), but it's all part of the build-up to a buncha fun action beats.
Things I learned from this movie: Hired goons gotta have a back-up plan.
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Mind-boggingly ahead and behind its time. If you were to keep making Lethal Weapon movies you'd eventually end up here after a dozen or so entries, letting the quality of filmmaking keep on fermenting way past its prime, and with every subsequent sequel setting you back a year in time until you end up in the 80's again. One of the only rules I have when it comes to scoring movies is that if it has its own theme song I bump it up a star, but when even the main character gets their own jam it automatically makes up for whatever failings you might (rightfully) attribute to DTV nonsense like this.
Things I learned from this movie: I’m too old for this shit, but so is everyone in this movie!
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You think the reason Munchie as a puppet is so barely animated here is 'cause someone tried to have sex with it and it completely ruined the mechanics? Yeah, I agree.
Anyway, lots of classic, time-capsulated Jim Wynorski gags for no one, including at the end where they tease a third movie called Munchie Hangs Ten where he "rescues" (whatever that means in these) Bill Clinton. 100% inexcusable funny man behavior where it feels like you're at a museum seeing all the crazy shit people used to think was true about science, but with references to old Roger Corman movies.
Favorite part is a toss-up between the way they try to explain Munchie's existence by Photoshopping his face onto a Sphinx in a history book, or the part where they just completely give up on already doing a shit job of animating Munchie, and just have him be some guy.
Things I learned from this movie: Munchie died for our sins. Over and over.
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If I'm being 100% honest with you, dear reader, saying Red Blooded American Girl is a good movie would be an overstatement. But if I'm being 100% honest with myself, that guy with questionable standards for what makes a good movie, I sure enjoyed this a bunch.
Some sort of forgotten Up All Night with Rhonda Shear shit about artificial vampires and many, many, wonderful scenes of Heather Thomas devouring the scenery or just casually having a breakfast dance in her yoga pants to an album likely called The 1990s wishing it was the 1980s. This is without a doubt her movie, and the deeper you get into it the more she steals the whole show. Halfway shooting they probably checked the dailies and were smart enough to say “Fuck it, she’s the star now.”
My only wish is that the main guy, who I'm pretty sure is called Owen Augustus Bourbon the Third, was played by Jeffrey Combs so I can add to my theory that this takes place in the same world as Fred Olen Ray’s Cyclone. Said guy while making a disgusting smoothie: "Ahhh, molasses for the iron penis!" What’s that you hear? Why it’s the sound of a million chef kisses converging into one mega chef kiss, duh.
Things I learned from this movie: Why use your teeth to suck someone’s blood if you can just use a really small knife. Much more hygienic!
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Sun Chung one-ups Ho Meng-hua’s Kiss of Death and delivers exactly the kind of improbable ‘70s exploitation thrills you'd expect to come across in blaxploitation cinema. Chen Ping's one-woman vengeance-fuelled shotgun-toting look is some iconic shit, even if it feels like the kind of thing Tarantino would try to sell to his buddy Weinstein as a Chinese equivalent of Coffy. They probably woulda tried to slap some kinda sexist tagline on it where they give Chen Ping a Westernized first name like "Lucy Chen is One Tough, Sexy Cookie!" or some bullshit like that.
Things I learned from this movie: Don’t drunk and drive.
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Basically anchored in the batshit Super Saiyan climax of the first movie without any time wasted on set-up. Evil ninja shows up, squeezes some guys’ innards out with his magical blow-up stomach of death, buncha names that you will not remember get thrown across the room, and it just goes and goes and goes like they took an entire run of a Saturday morning cartoon and squeezed it all into a little ball until it exploded all over your screen. If the first Bastard Swordsman was more along the lines of "traditional" wuxia, this is Tony Liu taking that groundwork and going full Holy Flame of the Martial World on it.
Things I learned from this movie: if your lifeline has an island on it, ya impotent.
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I've never felt as inebriated watching any movie before. An hour in I was drunk as a skunk on ‘80s excess and salsa montages. After another 40 minutes of being sick to my stomach, begging it to stop, it was over. Stay away from this movie if you do not care for the ‘80s. I, on the other hand, love this brand of Cannon Films garbo and it almost killed me.
Things I learned from this movie: Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twi— Oh, another salsa montage? Let’s do this.
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The US poster for this reads Sonny Chiba's Dragon Princess, and it's a little unfortunate that a lot of these Etsuko Shihomi movies have to have Sonny Chiba looking over her, giving his figurative seal approval as if she can't hold her own. There's actually very little Sonny Chiba in Dragon Princess even though he does serve as motivation for Shihomi's emotional arc, so hey good job on that gender stereotype reversal.
What can I say other than I just like this type of ‘70s Japanese karate movie a whole bunch. I especially like how this one is just a straightforward revenge story that focuses on fights that were seemingly shot by someone with Parkinson's, which somehow ends up being way better than someone who just plops the camera down and takes a catnap.
The always fantastic Yasuaki Kurata also shows up to give it some bonus martial arts cred before he'd move on to better things (read: Hong Kong), and I'm also happy to report this had zero nudity. Look, I'm not a prude but these kinda movies have a reputation of abusing their exploitation privileges just ‘cause, so it's a breath of fresh air when they choose not to.
Things I learned from this movie: Believe women, not movie posters.
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No one:
Not a single living organism in the world:
Canada: "Here's our take on Piranha ya hosers!"
Psycho Pike features what is probably my favorite take on the Crazy Ralph trope ever with a guy called “Willy T” who delivers his lines like he's Vincent Price in a Roger Corman castles and dungeons movie, is for some reason a local celebrity, and halfway through the movie gets involved with investors from Hong Kong who wanna buy his dingy shack so they can build an amusement park on Lake Shippagew. I sound insane trying to explain just this part of the movie but know there's a lot more where this came from.
Things I pondered during this movie: Have you ever seen a fish take a bite outta YOU?
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Possessed by the Night was my (checks notes) thirteenth Fred Olen Ray movie picture and it probably won't be the last. Really this one should count as two, though. One storyline sees Chad McQueen (the very one) working as a hired goon for Henry Silva and then that storyline intersects for less than a minute with the main storyline which is about Ted Prior buying a dead thing in a king-sized pickle jar with one eye that makes people do bad things but mostly just seems to want them to fuck a lot.
One theory I have is that the dead thing is just Paul Walker's brain from Tammy & the T-Rex all grown up and extra mutated & horny after years of gestating inside of that pickle jar, endlessly being subjected to Denise Richards stripteases without having any form of release because he's just a brain.
Things I realized watching this movie: Hey, it’s that guy from Goodfellas who tried to sue The Simpsons! Maybe I should finally watch Goodfellas instead of all this crap…
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Anyway by now you’ve realized this isn’t a list of movies that are traditionally “good.” Both the fact of me exposing this level of crud to you, and the fact I even have a voice on the internet, is a valid reason to second guess technology. Just know that if nothing else: these movies exist and you can probably watch them? At the very least I’m sure some of these are on YouTube because their owners never came to pick them up.
